Losing Lily

I have five children: one who lives on Earth and four who never made it.

This blog post is part of a continuum. It's certainly been hard to talk about, but definitely harder not to. The most interesting thing I have found is how many woman are in "the club." No one wants to be in it, but I am very thankful to learn of their story when they are. Many women have trouble just GETTING pregnant. I don't have this problem but I cannot hold onto my babies for long. Four pregnancies within a one year period, waiting to become pregnant for the recommended three month duration with two of them.

My first pregnancy was perfect, easy, a blessing. No morning sickness, no bathroom in the middle of the night, I instinctively knew when I was in labor, born ON her due date. She's a strong, willful, wonderful child. We were not trying for her but she is the best thing that ever happened to me. She teaches me more about life than I ever didn't realize I didn't know (how's that for double negatives).

Fast forward almost six years since my daughter came into my life:

My first miscarriage happened when I was on my honeymoon in Hawaii. Andy and I had just gotten married a month and a half before, taking our honeymoon apart from the wedding, as it was a destination wedding and wanted to be fair to my work in not being away for too long. I was six to seven weeks along and about to leave on a flight out the following day when I noticed spotting.

"It's common," they told me "don't worry about it."

That was the start of my honeymoon, trying not to worry about something I knew from woman's intuition was definitely wrong. Of course, being surrounded by shark-infested water for some serious romantic-laden time while not being able to relax and enjoy was a battle in and of itself. In a mentally-incapacitated jail, having a husband who tried to help but didn't know how to best, with all the pressure of having a great time was a complete ironic honeymoon. This was when we were to TRY to have a baby, not lose one.

Thankfully, a friend of mine lived on Maui and was able to help the emotional wreck I was becoming. She didn't understand how I was so calm about it - looking back my inward appearance was polar opposite of my outer. She was a bit of stability in my shaken-up world.

This was my first miscarriage. Looking back, I thought it would be my last and a freak accident. Consulting the doctor upon my return, he made mention that this does happen more often than most realize and that I should focus on the future. But I felt as though I failed. I failed my child with something that I had unknowingly done. I hadn't, but as any mother that loses a child, we will always wonder what we could have done ... better.

I deeply believe that one was a boy.

Didn't take me long to get pregnant again. Lost in September, pregnant again in November. Driving back from seeing my family on the East Coast and cautiously announcing I was expecting since I was there, I notice a familiar sign. Two days of driving later, I make it into the doctor's office to see this baby's heartbeat still going strong. I am six to seven weeks again. One day later, with no doubt, we can't save this one either.

I have no doubt she was a girl.

My regular OB/GYN now is on alert (finally) and prescribes progesterone when I learn of my next pregnancy. I am to start the minute I find out I am pregnant. Third time's a charm, I know this one will be THE one. So one and a half months later, guess who is pregnant?

I wait ... and worry ... and wait some more. Not telling anyone about being pregnant in case. I wait until I am 12 weeks pregnant. Then Andy and I wait longer.

The 12-week check-up the heartbeat is strong and Maternit21 blood work to find out the health of the baby along with (why not?) the sex of the child. Everything looks great! Only two weeks later, we learn that she is a healthy baby girl. Hooray!

We announce our huge news to our five year old. "You're going to be a big sister!" She is thrilled, telling all her teachers and every passer-by. This is what she has wished for birthdays, Christmas, in prayers.

A few days later and now 15-weeks along ... something is wrong. I feel it. Calling my nurse's personal cell phone, I am instructed me to head to the hospital immediately. After much quiet-running around and leaving the room returning with a new nurse, they cannot find a heart beat. Five-year old next to me and fully aware, we learn of the news together... She is the one that comforts me, rather than the other way around.

My OB/GYN decided on a fetal maternal medicine specialist for me and I booked the earliest appointment as it's only a matter of (short) time before we are pregnant again. The doctor is insistent that we wait for another three months before trying again. Three months might not seem like much to a twenty-something year old, but I'm hardly that. Against everything I didn't want to do, we waited.

Three months later, with the specialist on my side and progesterone prescription filled and ready, we try again. As you would guess it, getting pregnant is not a problem, staying is.

When we found out I was pregnant, I did everything I needed to: no more caffeine, immediately took progesterone, scheduled an appointment with my doctor, had blood drawn. Even with all the precautions I was taking along with the eagle eye on spotting to put myself on bed rest immediately, nothing could save this last one. The following day was a full-blown loss. I had thought I was seeing things when first noticed the first day of spotting. Had to use tissue paper to know if I was seeing things. Still couldn't believe it.

What is really hurting me is the fact that I couldn't even go into this specialists office to get a chance to see if everything was okay. We lost this baby with EVERYTHING we did for precaution.

Tired of hearing "it's just not meant to be" or "you're just in the 20 percentile that loses" is completely asinine to me. The common denominator is ME, my body. Nothing LOOKED wrong with Lily when I gave birth to her and saw her tiny nose, fingers, toes. There can't be something wrong with four babies in a row - there can only be something wrong with MY BODY! I don't want to hear the excuses from the medical world and I had no fear in noting this to the specialist when I reamed him out in advance of him just about saying it. Proactive, not reactive is my ideal at this point. Time to really figure this out. I don't want to hear "I don't know what's wrong with you, you're in great health" rather "Let's do everything we can do." Difference? Proactive statement.

I am now in the process of looking to supplement my specialist with holistic review. I have contacted a chiropractor who is known for assisting with my exact problem. My appointment yesterday was what I had felt all along - there is something wrong with my hormones, my body. I need to fix me before trying again.

Next steps will take a while to work themselves out. Tests need to be run, diets need to change, internal body health needs recovery from a holistic point of view. But what my intuition tells me is, something is righting itself if I just listen to what I believe I need. It's not just time.

A huge feeling of hope has overcome me.

Stopping To Talk To the Roses

My father is known for having conversations with random people at times when we are trying to get somewhere quickly. It's no wonder we were never on time to any function. Frustrating to be waiting for him as he's practically interviewing strangers on their life story with no end in sight with a wave of the hand and a "nice talking to you." But this is how I grew up, along with my other five siblings, with a father who has the Gift of Gab.

Of course, I have been told that I am not lacking in this department - which is partly why I'm here writing on a blog. It's a great way of writing down observations through interactions with total strangers and what they have to tell. But when I listen to people around me, young or old, I realize that their challenges and their wins are more than just a story, they are opportunities for each of us to learn. There is no one experience which is unheard of, yet each of them are unique to that person's path.

The story they tell might not ever happen to you or someone you know, but the take-away is so much greater than living in our own teeny tiny bubble believing that our situation is unique. It is not unique to the world, but unique to each of us with our individual triumphs and challenges that make us either grumble or cheer.

It's through other people's stories that we learn how to survive a similar situation with our individual perspective. It's through other people's stories that we appreciate what we already have, what we hope to have with a little more time or work, and the true meaning of our individual happiness. After all, happiness is not the same exact recipe for each person.

My father, albeit a talkative soul, understands the importance in connecting with people with stopping to talk to Mr and Mrs Rose to learn a little bit about them.

In today's world, we are more connected than ever through machines and gadgets. We find previous high school friends on Facebook, whom we may never have spoken to following graduation. It's easily possible that high schools and colleges have noticed a decline in Alumni weekends, as we have already caught up via social media sites. We are more connected to friends and acquaintances than 10 years ago.

Yet, when we are in close proximity to others, we hesitate to even make eye contact. We wouldn't speak to a stranger that looks sad or tired or grumpy. We could assume that the guy humming next to us on the bus was off his medication or should be ON some medication. But he easily could be bursting at the seams to shout to the world his amazing news. Of course, he also could be needing that medication...

We don't stop to talk or to listen to people around us who have a story to tell. We don't have time for it since we have to catch up on those status updates from people who aren't even present. We always have some place to go and log our arrival via our favorite social media check-in. We don't stop and learn from others in person. Instead, we learn through status updates from people who exist in the cloud.

Connecting with people means getting unplugged and off any time schedule. Connecting with people means
being present and truly interested in what message they have without wondering what's in it for us - even though we know there always is take-away. Connecting with people through observation, interaction, and reflection is what it's all about.

So although I continue to push myself from here to there, I will take a lesson from my father who had a lot to teach me - to just stop and learn from the Roses.

Being Gloriously Simple

This is not about people, mind you. This post is about dogs. Replace every interaction with a person experience you have had with an interaction with a dog. Dogs have so much information inside of them that we pass by. Some people treat dogs as though they are human. They are not - they are dogs. Some people treat dogs as though they are objects. They are not - they are dogs. They work differently than people, yet are very similar in basic personality. But they are still dogs and should be held high in that regard. Honor them in the coat they were given. Honor them for the "as-is" personality they present to you. Honor them for the fact that they could potentially have more to bring to the relationship than a human. They are not human, they are better than that.

As I learn more about dogs, I have realized many things. Not only do they live in the moment, but they are just like children. Their basic hierarchy needs are the same as any human: physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem. Now the final tier, self-actualization, might not be in the mix. But remember, there is something gloriously SIMPLE about being a dog.

Dogs aren't wondering what the meaning of life is. The only thing that runs through their brain might be one of several quick thoughts:

• What are we going to do together now? 
• When are we going to eat?
• What's that smell?
• What was THAT?

But it always comes down to "What's Next?" - whether it's an adventure or a meal - they are ready and happy to partake. But it's fleeting and into the next moment.



So are children. Bright eyed and ready to soak in the next adventure. Ready for the day - not the future, not the past, not the WAY past. But right now. It's no wonder that people personify dogs the way that we do. I'm certainly guilty of it. If we can take what we know from human personality and find the similes to the dog personality, it allows for more insight, better training, and more dogs being ... well ... dogs!

Overlooked & Understood Friendships

There have been friends who somehow I have looked over without understanding how much we have in common until much later. There are so many people that I considered "friends" when we spent time together, but upon reconnecting through Facebook did I find my connection with them much more powerful than first realized. Sometimes it's through life experiences being parallel, sometimes it's status updates that sounds just like something I would say or think. But none the less, the desire to connect on the deeper level is profound.

So why did I not connect and take advantage of time in our friendship earlier? I was always friends with them, but didn't realize what I had until later. Thankfully, not too late.

One friend, once an elementary teacher alongside me at the same school, was much more of an acquaintance at the time. She has the same birthday, each of our only child has the same birth month, we both read the same books at the same time unknowingly, and all the tiny nuances come up anytime I connect with her as I learn our parallel lives are continuing, even from a distance of about 1500 miles. We are both trying to have a second child and having a difficult time doing so. But through the tragedy of trying, we are connecting on a much stronger level. We both realize through IMs and FB updates that we are living basically the same life in two separate cities.

Another friend is not parallel to my life, but her comments and posts are not only hilarious but exactly my line of thinking. In college we hung out and enjoyed spending time together, but our appreciation for each other only began when we communicated more from 600 miles apart than 600 feet from dorm rooms. When I was pregnant, I learned that she and I were due 2 days apart. (Her pregnancy is still ongoing, unfortunately I lost my little girl a few months ago.) But through reconnecting, I find my friendship with her much stronger than initially thought.

One passage regarding friendship comes to mind:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. 

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes t hey act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season. 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Although this is very true, it misses a point: the parallel/overlooked friendships, the ones that you miss in the moment and understand to be solid, healthy, and long lasting. These are the friendships that you don't force and also don't ignore. The ones that wait in the wings growing, then bloom when you pay attention to them. These are the ones that you are thankful for as they are, yet wish that you could be closer to in proximity.

To the friends whom I overlooked in the past or in the present, I cannot wait to reconnect. To re-learn how important you are to me. You are an understood friend whom I value as much, if not more, to the ones I am in physically near. I can only hope distance is no factor when it's our re-connecting time.

The Downtime of Bedtime

After just celebrating my Superhero Child's 6th birthday, it really got me thinking about the time passed and the time remaining with her as a Snuggle Child. When do they pull away from their parents? Some people who have gone through it tell me earlier than other parents are describing. You never know how much longer you have until it's gone - then you wish you had what you once did.

Every night, every single night, she asks me to put her to bed, crying as though it's the end of the world if I don't. Admittedly, not every night do I want to - maybe out of exhaustion, maybe out of being just tired of being the one when all I want to do is get in bed. But every night, she wins when I don't have enough fight in me.

Why am I fighting something so positive and loving? I only have a small amount of time left, an unknown abyss that will disappear before I'm truly prepared for it. One day she will tell me that she can put herself to bed because she's "big enough." That night will turn into another night. Then another. Finally, I'll be the one crying to put her to bed. I am completely aware of this ... and afraid.

Bedtime is when she's fighting to avoid sleep, afraid she'll miss out on something fun that we do when she's dreaming. But bedtime has become OUR time to discuss her day, what she liked, what she didn't like about her day. I have tried to ask about her day right after school hoping it was fresh on her mind, but there's no response. Instead, she opened up on her own, reviewing during the downtime of bedtime. When the lights are dim and her back is being rubbed, she is a chatterbox. I get to hear what daily events are BIG to her and what doesn't worry her so much. I get to hear about how someone made her sad, quietly discuss the topic when she's ready to listen, and open up without the daily distractions of what we are going to do next. This is when I can help her with life's struggles, and when she, unknowingly, helps me with mine.

This is our ritual. This is our bonding time. This is the time that I was so willing to throw away.

As a mother of an energetic, determined Mighty Girl, I am called many names by her during the day when there is a power struggle. But because of our time at night together, I know it's a facade, a way of getting my attention, a way of saying that she does love me, just not right then. When the lights are down, so are her defenses and the underlying loving Snuggle Girl that I know so well emerges.

How much time do I have left? No one can predict this ... and maybe I don't want them to. I want to celebrate this time I have left, however long that is.

My Forever Treasure

Photo by Bob Tarr

TCE Balastrana+++// (TC Expression x Brooklynn) was a small half-Arabian who never completely enjoyed showing in the main ring as a western pleasure horse, being nervous and claustrophobic. So she was donated to a friend of my trainer's, Kim Berkley from Dez-Rey Arabians (see also SD Dartanian 2003 AHA High-Point Horse and Multi-Champion Vivacious Leigh from the same barn). Bally came to our small show barn with the understanding that this would be temporary and live at the friend's house when she could build out the barn.

With my horse constantly lame, I started to ride and show her in dressage after I listened to what Bally was needing, to be in an open environment as the only horse in the ring. Our bond grew through the years, as we became unbeatable through the levels. Eventually, Bally became officially mine and not simply emotionally bonded. Trusting a horse can happen with every ride, but knowing what your horse is thinking and how she is giving you her heart with every test is another. We would be the one to beat, but we were really in the ring to connect and to get that "zen" time we loved so much.

TCE Balastrana+++// High Point horse 2005

One of my goals in life was to win ONE National Championship. But together as a strong partnership, we accomplished much more than that. She and I won multi-National Championships, Reserve Championships, and Top Tens through only a handful of years, mainly focusing on our quality time together in the ring. The 14.2 half-Arabian whose conformation was less than perfect, even won national titles in the In-Hand classes against those tough to beat warm-blood crosses. She would teach youth riders how to sit extended trots and gain confidence both in the saddle and in the ring. In 2005, she became the AHA High-Point Horse in US and Canada, beating out thousands of horses for this once in a life-time achievement.

Bally was in the game because she loved it more than life. Not feeling her normal self during warm-up at our last Nationals dressage test, she rose to the occasion just to do that test because I asked her to. Crossroads between one final test or quit, it was as though she whispered that she could take on this last one; “put me in coach” she would have said if she could. Can’t explain how I heard her voice all the time, but I did. During the test I held her back. Not only did we finish the test without excusing ourselves, but we won another National Championship!

Bally knew my heart belonged in two places at once.
She continues to live on in both my and my daughter's heart.

Just this year, Bally had complications with an old case of strangles that she never exhibited from years past and came back to cause her much suffering in her breathing. As heartbreaking as it was to let her go, it was her time.

Many little girls dream of a pony that will love them unconditionally, take care of them through the best and worst of times, and be their best friend. Not only did I get my horse, but she was the most unselfish partner one could ever ask for.

She is my heart, my inspiration on what a partnership should be between horse and rider. She made me appear as though I had an inkling on what I was doing. I will never forget this bond we had, and still have in my heart, and all that she has done for me.

Hoping that I find another "Bally" in my lifetime.

HA/AA Sport Horse in Hand
Against some HUGE HA Warmbloods.
Always managed a Top Ten Placement somehow.

... and so it begins.

This is it.

I have finally plunged into what other people have been doing for years - started my own blog. It's not that people have asked me for my incredible words of wisdom (pshaw!). It's not that I have been dying to create the blog of all blogs that will go viral. It's that I just wanted to reflect upon things I notice in my daily walk through life.


Who am I? I am a wife after 41 years of singleton, a mommy of a Kindergartener, a dog and horse lover, a sibling of 6, a daughter to my 80+ year old parents, a previous elementary teacher/art director/real estate agent/account executive, the list goes on...


What do I have to say? We shall see about that.


Why? As parents often say = because.


So, this is it. This is where it starts. Another child to grow and watch the personality grow over time. Hoping that you see the positive and grow along with me.