The Downtime of Bedtime

After just celebrating my Superhero Child's 6th birthday, it really got me thinking about the time passed and the time remaining with her as a Snuggle Child. When do they pull away from their parents? Some people who have gone through it tell me earlier than other parents are describing. You never know how much longer you have until it's gone - then you wish you had what you once did.

Every night, every single night, she asks me to put her to bed, crying as though it's the end of the world if I don't. Admittedly, not every night do I want to - maybe out of exhaustion, maybe out of being just tired of being the one when all I want to do is get in bed. But every night, she wins when I don't have enough fight in me.

Why am I fighting something so positive and loving? I only have a small amount of time left, an unknown abyss that will disappear before I'm truly prepared for it. One day she will tell me that she can put herself to bed because she's "big enough." That night will turn into another night. Then another. Finally, I'll be the one crying to put her to bed. I am completely aware of this ... and afraid.

Bedtime is when she's fighting to avoid sleep, afraid she'll miss out on something fun that we do when she's dreaming. But bedtime has become OUR time to discuss her day, what she liked, what she didn't like about her day. I have tried to ask about her day right after school hoping it was fresh on her mind, but there's no response. Instead, she opened up on her own, reviewing during the downtime of bedtime. When the lights are dim and her back is being rubbed, she is a chatterbox. I get to hear what daily events are BIG to her and what doesn't worry her so much. I get to hear about how someone made her sad, quietly discuss the topic when she's ready to listen, and open up without the daily distractions of what we are going to do next. This is when I can help her with life's struggles, and when she, unknowingly, helps me with mine.

This is our ritual. This is our bonding time. This is the time that I was so willing to throw away.

As a mother of an energetic, determined Mighty Girl, I am called many names by her during the day when there is a power struggle. But because of our time at night together, I know it's a facade, a way of getting my attention, a way of saying that she does love me, just not right then. When the lights are down, so are her defenses and the underlying loving Snuggle Girl that I know so well emerges.

How much time do I have left? No one can predict this ... and maybe I don't want them to. I want to celebrate this time I have left, however long that is.

My Forever Treasure

Photo by Bob Tarr

TCE Balastrana+++// (TC Expression x Brooklynn) was a small half-Arabian who never completely enjoyed showing in the main ring as a western pleasure horse, being nervous and claustrophobic. So she was donated to a friend of my trainer's, Kim Berkley from Dez-Rey Arabians (see also SD Dartanian 2003 AHA High-Point Horse and Multi-Champion Vivacious Leigh from the same barn). Bally came to our small show barn with the understanding that this would be temporary and live at the friend's house when she could build out the barn.

With my horse constantly lame, I started to ride and show her in dressage after I listened to what Bally was needing, to be in an open environment as the only horse in the ring. Our bond grew through the years, as we became unbeatable through the levels. Eventually, Bally became officially mine and not simply emotionally bonded. Trusting a horse can happen with every ride, but knowing what your horse is thinking and how she is giving you her heart with every test is another. We would be the one to beat, but we were really in the ring to connect and to get that "zen" time we loved so much.

TCE Balastrana+++// High Point horse 2005

One of my goals in life was to win ONE National Championship. But together as a strong partnership, we accomplished much more than that. She and I won multi-National Championships, Reserve Championships, and Top Tens through only a handful of years, mainly focusing on our quality time together in the ring. The 14.2 half-Arabian whose conformation was less than perfect, even won national titles in the In-Hand classes against those tough to beat warm-blood crosses. She would teach youth riders how to sit extended trots and gain confidence both in the saddle and in the ring. In 2005, she became the AHA High-Point Horse in US and Canada, beating out thousands of horses for this once in a life-time achievement.

Bally was in the game because she loved it more than life. Not feeling her normal self during warm-up at our last Nationals dressage test, she rose to the occasion just to do that test because I asked her to. Crossroads between one final test or quit, it was as though she whispered that she could take on this last one; “put me in coach” she would have said if she could. Can’t explain how I heard her voice all the time, but I did. During the test I held her back. Not only did we finish the test without excusing ourselves, but we won another National Championship!

Bally knew my heart belonged in two places at once.
She continues to live on in both my and my daughter's heart.

Just this year, Bally had complications with an old case of strangles that she never exhibited from years past and came back to cause her much suffering in her breathing. As heartbreaking as it was to let her go, it was her time.

Many little girls dream of a pony that will love them unconditionally, take care of them through the best and worst of times, and be their best friend. Not only did I get my horse, but she was the most unselfish partner one could ever ask for.

She is my heart, my inspiration on what a partnership should be between horse and rider. She made me appear as though I had an inkling on what I was doing. I will never forget this bond we had, and still have in my heart, and all that she has done for me.

Hoping that I find another "Bally" in my lifetime.

HA/AA Sport Horse in Hand
Against some HUGE HA Warmbloods.
Always managed a Top Ten Placement somehow.

... and so it begins.

This is it.

I have finally plunged into what other people have been doing for years - started my own blog. It's not that people have asked me for my incredible words of wisdom (pshaw!). It's not that I have been dying to create the blog of all blogs that will go viral. It's that I just wanted to reflect upon things I notice in my daily walk through life.


Who am I? I am a wife after 41 years of singleton, a mommy of a Kindergartener, a dog and horse lover, a sibling of 6, a daughter to my 80+ year old parents, a previous elementary teacher/art director/real estate agent/account executive, the list goes on...


What do I have to say? We shall see about that.


Why? As parents often say = because.


So, this is it. This is where it starts. Another child to grow and watch the personality grow over time. Hoping that you see the positive and grow along with me.