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T minus X.
Not exactly sure when "X" is, but it's sometime in September. It's when I can take the next "spit test" to learn how far I have come or not come in re-balancing my hormones. For those of you who might not have read the other posts concerning this personal issue I have been living with, I have had 4 miscarriages within less than a year and a half period of time. Rather than waiting around and trying again and again getting the same results, I have decided to take my health into my own hands and looking into alternative methods. So I went to a holistic nutritionist, Dr. B, who learned of my hormonal imbalances. Through holistic supplements and organic foods (otherwise known as the foods most 35+ year olds grew up on), it's been a 6 month journey to re-adjust my body back to where it's supposed to be. I have learned that I have a genetic mutation that causes a lot of symptoms I experience and dismissed. Turns out, a sibling also has the same genetic mutation. Other siblings have been notified that they could have attained this, but no word if they have ventured into researching.
As I'm getting coming on the 6 month mark, another spit test will evaluate my hormone levels and (im)balances, I'm finding myself wondering if I'm going to pass. This is not something you can study for, this is not something you know how well you're doing or not doing. I cannot cram for this test. But I am fearful that with my non-organic meals or days, I will fail - and it will be all for nothing.
The fear sets in. The stress is rising which I am aware could ruin the tests for me. Stress is not doing me any good. But to deny the existence of my stress would only be shoving it down further. So instead I am trying to embrace all the bads and goods of how I am feeling and going through. It's a much easier route.
Now the next questions from "what if" arises:
What if I don't pass? What's next? I cannot afford to continue the hormonal supplements. I will continue the organic food (they taste SO much better).
What if I do pass and my hormone balances are corrected? Do I have the energy for another child? It's only been about a year since I have had my last miscarriage - I cannot afford emotionally to have another miscarriage. My child-on-Earth is such a gem, don't I want to keep it as it is?
So what drives my fears? Change? No change? It seems to be simply an unknowing state. I don't know WHAT I'll find out and I don't know WHEN I'll find it out. Deep breath. It looks like I need to change what I feed my brain too, not just my body. Time to live in the present and take on a meditation class or two...
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